“I’ll read online reviews about a Put-In-Bay hotel room but not about something going into my vag”

Literally word for word a sentence that came out of my mouth during a conversation with girlfriends at a wedding last night. It’s neck and neck with Friday night’s top soundbite when I said “I don’t even want to know what’s been in my kids’ mouths via Kev’s hands”. Don’t even ask… just trust that it made sense in context.

Anyway. I should first start by saying that we’ve decided (for now) that our family is complete, and we’re not going the vasectomy route just yet. I feel like that’s a whole other blog post on its own that I'll tackle at some point, but for the sake of this all making sense I feel like I needed to just get that out of the way.

So, allow me to explain. I went in for a routine visit to my doctor’s office (actually, it was for a scheduled pap that didn’t end up happening - you’ll understand why in a minute) and I also had some complaints about the current birth control I’m on. It’s one that I was on before I had kids and liked it, so went back on it again. I’m about 2 months into being on it again and I’ll spare you the details but I’m experiencing side effects that I just am not down with LOL. So upon explaining all of this to the wonderful nurse at the medical clinic I go to, who is literally the best woman of life - seriously so trendy and trustworthy and easy to talk to - she mentioned the option of an IUD (intrauterine device). I was immediately intrigued, especially now that I’m looking for a long term birth control option. It’s essentially a little plastic thing that looks like a Y that your doctor inserts into your hooha and it just hangs out up there for a few years. No pills, no phone alarms, no thought needed. Excellent. Sign me up. So when my nurse practitioner came in (another super smart, straight-shooting woman- I believe we’re around the same age and I seriously feel like I could just have a beer and shoot the shit with her) she started to explain multiple brand options, the differences between them, risks, side effects, cost etc etc. Some of them included heavier menstrual symptoms and cramping for awhile but then a lot of women reported their period being super short, light, or just going away altogether. It also doesn’t affect your fertility, which was definitely a selling point for me because losing your period altogether made me a little nervous.. but I was assured that if you take it out, even after 4 or 5 years, you go right back to getting a period and your fertility isn’t affected.

So after discussing all of this I decided I wanted to do it, so she ordered one and I made another appointment to come back so we could do everything at the same time. I’d get the Pap test I was supposed to do and then while she’s, ahem, up there, she can do the IUD insertion as well. Perfect! And then she said this - “when you go home, don’t talk to your girlfriends about it, and don’t Google it.” I’m sorry, what? But her reasoning was simple- everybody knows someone who knows someone that got an IUD that implanted in the uterine wall or got an infection or ended up pregnant anyways and then all of the sudden you’re flooded with horror stories and talked right out of it. It’s just like labour. Everybody knows someone who knows someone who has a sister that tore from front to back, or had a horrible epidural experience, when really there are an overwhelming amount of really positive stories where everything was completely fine. So it wasn’t bad advice… but naturally I went home and the first thing I did was talk to my girlfriends about it, but (not-so) jokingly told them they had to keep horror stories to themselves, and they obliged.

I definitely DID NOT Google it though. I mean, that’s just asking to be traumatized. You might as well just type in “my kid has a rash that looks like this, what could it be?” (answer from Google: deadly flesh eating bacteria with no cure; answer from doctor: mild allergic reaction, nothing to worry about). Anyway, this brings me to my opening quote. Last night at the wedding I was at, I was talking to a couple of girlfriends saying I was probably going to do a blog post on this whole IUD situation, and told them about the “don’t talk about it, don’t google it” line when one of my friends reminded me of the time I dug up several sketchy Google reviews of a hotel we were going to stay at for a bachelorette party in Put-In-Bay, Ohio. Guys they described it as a DUNGEON… which is exactly what it ended up being LMAO a windowless cement room but of course that only added to the experience and how much fucking fun we had. (Also, in all fairness, the reviewers said it was a horrible place to bring their kids. I MEAN, DUH).

So that’s the story behind the quote. Man did we ever have a good laugh over it. As it turns out, I’ll critically analyze Google reviews of a hotel room at a party destination but draw the line at reading up on something I’m going to have inserted into my downstairs region. Makes perfect sense, no? But in this case (even though I disobeyed and talked to friends anyway - I mean come on, I’m only human), when it comes to Googling IUDs I think that my NP was right and ignorance is probably bliss. In my opinion, the best way to go about anything like this is to be positive and assume everything is going to work out completely fine, because it probably is, and then deal with it accordingly if it ends up turning out differently. So we’ll see how it goes. I guess I’ll need to start working on the next blog post to explain all the decisions that led to this point but for now, I hope you enjoyed my vagina’s life update as your little Sunday afternoon read. You’re welcome….. or rather, I’m sorry.

Family, LifestyleLINDSAY BOERE