GUYS. To say it has been a minute is literally the biggest understatement. Thanks for bearing with me on my little summer hiatus… honestly, there was no way I was making that all work. I had really high hopes of balancing it all - and those hopes were promptly crushed under the weight of running a farm, a family, a household and then adding a busy summer social life on top of things. It was a really awesome summer and I wanted to soak it all in and enjoy it but now that we’re settling back into a (new) routine, it’s as good a time as any to get things rolling again. Plus, if I’m being completely honest, I missed this. We've had a hell of a go getting Jase off to Kindergarten, and things have gone anything but smooth - so this week I found myself just needing to get it allllll out (through a different outlet than the literally constant flow of my tears LOL).

It really all started on the very first day of school- so last Tuesday. We were so excited for Jase, who was PUMPED to go to school and ride the school bus. There didn’t seem to be any first day jitters (on his part, anyway) and when the bus came, he hopped on and barely looked back long enough for me to take a picture- and he was off! I was so impressed! I thought, damn Lindsay, you and Kev really did a good job prepping him for this - he wasn’t scared at all! Put that one in the win column, mama. Well, parents you know this all too well, once you think you’ve succeeded at something and give yourself a pat on the back, you can pretty much rest assured that you’re about to get a serious reality check. It felt too good to be true…. and as it turns out, it was.

To make a very, very long story short- Jase got lost on the first day of school. He never got off the bus in the afternoon, and holy fuck let me tell you- if you ever want to feel your heart jump into your throat, search every seat of a bus that your four year old is supposed to be on only to confirm that, sure as shit, he’s not there. I can’t even get into the details of it all, but there was a mixup that took place and he ended up on the wrong bus. He was supposed to get off at 4:20 and ended up getting dropped off back at the school where we were (anxiously) waiting at around 5-5:15. Great start to kindergarten, am I right? But that’s where it really pays to live in a small town. It was a friend of ours who had just texted me 15 minutes prior to his drop off time that day, saying that her daughter and Jase were on the same bus as she had seen Jase when she was getting her daughter off. So when he didn’t get off, we knew that he was safe on a bus somewhere, just not the right one. A couple of phone calls was all it took for friends who were helping call the bus company, asking their kids where they had last seen Jase, and about a hundred offers from both friends and strangers, who also have children on his bus, to have them guide him the next day, and everyday until he was comfortable and knew what he was doing. Jase is MORE than taken care of now. Anyway, all is well now, but I swear Jesus himself couldn’t have calmed my nerves like the stiff whiskey I poured myself that night did. Nothin’ like losing your four year old on the first day of school to get the heart pumping. Now it’s a story written inside his memory box for us to laugh about later!

Once we got over that hurdle I kinda thought we’d be out of the woods because the rest of the week seemed to go fine. The teacher did tell me Jase had some emotional moments a couple days, but I mean, that’s kinda to be expected right? As it turns out, on Sunday he decided he truly didn’t want to go to school and begged us to stay home through a flood of the saddest, most painful tears. For a day and a half, it was completely and utterly heartbreaking to listen to. I truly don’t think it had anything to do with the bus incident, if you can believe that, as he says he still quite enjoys the ‘going on the bus’ part. It had everything to do with having to go somewhere new everyday, all day after being home with us for the last four years. He didn’t want to go because all he knows is being at home. We tried to socialize him by putting him into preschool, but the adjustment to full day kindergartens has been rocky. He said he was too scared, he didn’t want to go, “please mommy please please I don’t want to go”, he wanted to go to the other school (cause that’s where some of his friends went) - everything you can imagine. Cue the worst mom guilt I have ever felt. I cried so much on Sunday and Monday LOL honest to God. My instinct? Whatever he says, whatever he wants- let’s just let him. I can’t listen to him cry like that! If he wants to switch schools, I’ll make the call. But of course, reason has to creep in at some point too. I’m not going to teach him that once something gets hard you get to just jump ship. He has to get used to it. He’s not the first kid to struggle, he’s not the first kid from a stay-at-home household to have to go to school, and I know deep down that as soon as he adjusts, he will thrive. We all just have to stick this one out. I told that to myself over and over and over and over again. I put him on the bus yesterday with both of us in tears, but low and behold, when he got off the bus in the afternoon, he was in a good mood and said he had a good day, didn’t cry, and wanted to go back tomorrow! More tears- but happy, relieved tears. And then by supper, when I suggested making another super fun lunch together for the next day, he was saying he didn’t want to go again. (I feel like maybe it’s relative to that feeling of anxiousness you get on Sunday when you know you have to go back to work and reality the next day). Whatever it is, it’s a fucking rollercoaster LOL. Friends and family have assured that our efforts to stay completely positive and reassuring are good, and while I know they’re right I simultaneously feel like the worst parent in the entire world, and that I’m failing him in every way. Today, thankfully, was better. This morning there were no tears, and although he was still making comments about why he had to go everyday and that he didn’t want to, he hopped on the bus and when he came home he said he had another good day. He has made a couple of friends who he talks about playing with, so that’s great too. This parenthood gig is no joke I tell ya.

Anyway, bet you didn’t expect that right out the gate upon my return did you? That just seems to be the way it rolls around here. I wasn’t really expecting to unload all of that either but as it turns out, I forgot how therapeutic this can be. Needless to say, I’m looking forward to things hopefully getting back to normal, or at least our new normal, and also back into sharing more fashion, more about our family life, and everything in between again! Stay tuned!

Lifestyle, FamilyLINDSAY BOERE